The dads documented herein represent only a segment of the total population of types found in the wild—the list isn’t exhaustive. Observation is ongoing and after careful analysis, new subjects will be added.
(travellots leagus pater) Travel League Dad
This specimen is best observed near ball fields inserting himself into the thick of the action. He vigorously applies himself to the professional development of his child through the coaching and demonstration of athletics. Nomadic by nature, this dad’s travels take him and his offspring all over North America—subsidized by the second and third mortgages taken out on his home. Unique identifiers are sleeveless Under Armour shirts, eye black grease, and the pungent smell of mint chewing tobacco. Mating partners often observe that their mate doesn’t seem capable of holding full-time employment. He is erratic in his behavior, straining relationships with his children, one moment he is a nurturing caregiver, the next…a ruthless dictator. The dominant behavior presenting itself depending on the momentary competitive successes or failures on the part of his children.
(embarassible magicae) The Magician
Many men have hobbies but most I observe avoid magic. The consensus is practicing magic is nominally better than miming. Dads who practice magic subject themselves to the scorn of their peers and place a notable burden on family resources— top hats, wands, capes, reject laboratory test animals, crystal balls and fog machines—all expensive and unnecessary for a hobby empirically regarded as deplorable. Of all subjects thus observed I find myself sympathizing most with this type. Most often practitioners are utterly inept at picking up social cues—the painful winces of loved one’s suffering through multiple fumbled card tricks and botched illusions that jeopardize the health of their furry helpers.
(lazicus lounger) The Lazy-Boy Lounger
Present but absent, this dad consumes copious amounts of campy programming in the vein of Walker Texas Ranger, Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman, Diagnosis Murder, and National Geographic. Each program functions as a lullaby of sorts advancing the viewer to his bedtime. Viewing is a family activity, and fathers require the attendance of the family unit at the nightly lounging ritual. Interaction is sparse with few words exchanged. As the father drifts in and out of consciousness, the family is forced to suffer through his snoring. Once satisfied dad is asleep, each member sneaks away to their respective chambers. When the father awakens from slumber, he wears a look of satisfaction, a satisfaction of bonding by proximity.
(gambilicus / fantastico obsidione) The Gambler and/or Fantasy Leaguer
This dad is there, but no more than say a lamp or a table, and not as useful as either. Friday’s are busy with planning lineups—not for his children’s sports teams but his fantasy roster. With over-unders evaluated, this dad stakes family resources on bets, bets that elevate stress levels when viewing weekend sporting events. Yelling is commonplace at these viewings, one father was observed standing inches from a television screaming obscenities while clutching his chest, a symptom of monetary loss. A strange phenomenon also occurs on the part of mothers who, when coming to terms with a loss of monetary security, take to rummaging through cupboards and fridges—a foraging for supplies to make a budget casserole for the following week’s dinners.
(collecticus / hoarder) The Collector / Hoarder
Collecting is a popular pastime for many dads, and an outlet to escape the stresses of work. But, it also breeds sociopaths with eccentric tastes, like dads who spend long stints in basements euthanizing and framing insects. The family should take notice of this eccentric behavior, and interrupt long periods of basement isolation with frequent check-ins. In the worst cases, a compulsive pathology forms for collecting—vintage Topps Baseball cards, nickel, copper, silver coins, hunting trophies, tattered first edition books— and what was once a hobby devolves to hoarding. A man who hoards is hell bent on acquiring every object that lends itself to gathering and categorizing, the task consumes his every waking moment—fertile soil for the blossoming serial killer, or one who eats their young. Families living with this type must remain vigilant, in extreme cases quarantine may be required.
(dronical operatarus) The Drone Operator
Long-winded explanations are ill-suited to capture the basic behavior this dad exhibits—he is a grown man who plays with toys. Fathers of this kind engage in lengthy discussion, educating and pleading with their children to cease and desist from touching their ‘sophisticated pieces of machinery.’ In most observed cases children defy father’s petitions venturing to test their own hands at operation. An insolent act ending in fiery debris and animosity between members of the family unit. We found many families vacated of the father role due to active restraining orders following such events.
I endeavor to continue my field studies apprising interested parties of findings as my observations warrant documentation.