The Christmas Pimp

Things aren’t as they appear, there’s a poser in our midst. He feeds children the lie that he’s a jolly old soul but parents know him for what he really is, a matchstick man, a liar, a master manipulator, and exploiter. That’s right, I’m talking about “Saint Nick.”

Oh, Santa wants you to believe that he’s a saint and there’s countless propaganda to support this. But when parents awake from the lies the media tells us and start thinking for ourselves we’ll see him for what he really is, a pimp.

Santa’s been pimping foolish parents for years.  Pimping us to do hours shopping, pimping us to buy gifts, and pimping us to hype his name. He gets the glory, the love, and all the figurative and literal cookies. It’s an arrangement he relishes tucked away in his winter lair lifting his voice in a mocking ho ho ho. Each ho is a dagger for each parent who spends their hard-earned dough to fill his black heart with the love of our children.

Many parents wish to remove his influence from the holiday. But for all our well intending efforts our children will still succumb to Santa creep. Santa creep is Santa’s ability to work his way into the thoughts of children. Santa perpetrates the creep through the tight control he holds over the media specifically radio.

I don’t know what the radio stations get from the arrangement but they keep his songs in heavy rotation–Santa Claus is Coming To Town, Here Comes Santa Claus, and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. All children love to sing along to these tunes, they’re fun and light-hearted, and bring a smile to your little ones faces. And you can have fun smiling right along with them as you let the enemy sneak in through the open gate.

Heres what these songs really tell us about the devil.

  1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Here Comes Santa Claus – He’s coming to town. Not to give gifts but to eat cookies and check on his investments. He’s all business and doesn’t give a flying pheasant about goodwill. Parents better get right and gifts better be out clearly marked from Santa.
  2. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – If in making his rounds he runs over your grandma, so be it. From Santa’s point of view, if one fatality confirms his existence then their passing was worth it.

While Santa can be violent when needed, it’s not his preference, he favors more subtle tactics. Santa knows that if parents don’t do the red man’s bidding they risk ostracizing their children from his “love” and the acceptance of their peers. And parents that decide on separating their children from the “joy” of Christmas experience the ramifications that play out years later in counseling, and sparse visits from grandkids. This is our children’s retaliation for robbing them of “experiencing Santa.” We are powerless in halting his plans and he expects that we will do our job. There is no escape, just service.

A recap of our jobs – prepare the list, find the money, buy the gifts, cry. His job? Drink milk. eat cookies, take credit. It’s a great partnership, for him. No risk, all reward, and an ever-increasing fame. Maybe the church lady was spot on. Santa is Satan?

Either way, when the morning of the 25th rolls around we’ll be forced to swallow our anger and hide our tears as our children rejoice over the gifts Satan’s left them. And Santa’s celebrity will continue its march fueled by the cheer of our children.






Also published on Medium.


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