8 Exercise Machines To Go From Dad Bod to Dad God

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The holiday season, with all it’s delicious delights doesn’t help the ‘ole waistline. In my case it looks like I am starting to carry a built in fanny pack around my mid section. Now, if only these fleshy folds had skin pockets I could justify their existence. But, I digress. I need to get back to sticking to my exercise routines.

Exercise is important, but it isn’t anywhere near as fun or easy to do as it was in my 20’s. Recovery takes longer and that in turn makes the whole undertaking much less enjoyable.

Keeping exercise fun is a constant challenge. But, the right exercise equipment can transform an otherwise boring slog.

This list of exercise equipment should solve the need to create a bit of whimsy in your workout routine. These machines will get you moving and, as an added bonus, you are sure to get them on the cheap. Death to dad bod and hail the dad god.

8 Exercise Machines

The Nordic Trac

This cross country device was a staple in every home throughout the 80’s and 90’s. You would be hard pressed to walk into any split level basement and not find one of these beauties. If you are a big cross country skier no machine will get you in better shape while training for the hobby you love. It is a whole body workout that gets the arms pumping and the legs sliding. This machine also has the direct result of creating an aggressive walking gait. It’s a gait that says to the world I’m in middle management or… I’m about to wet my pants.

Thigh Master

This exercise is best enjoyed while sitting on the couch. It provides it’s operator with a great benefit of being able to multi-task. You can enjoy a frosty malt beverage while torching those inner thighs.

After a few weeks using this device you will notice marked improvement in leg strength. It is quite easy to measure results from using the Thigh Master.

A key measurement of performance is being able to smash nut shells between the haunches. Yes, this is sure to provide a great outlet for embarrassing your daughter and her friends. On the flip side it will make you a hit at most tail gating events. Crush the beer can on your head? Why? Especially when you can pulverize it between your thunder trunks.

Bow Flex

This bodaciously bowed up bench sports a pretty simple set up. The user positions himself on the bench for any traditional work out. Resistance is provided by “Power Rods” attached to an elastic band. If you are looking to get straight yoked, the fitness models in Bowflex’s advertising should provide some big motivation. Just note that you will need to buy the HGH separately.

Wheel with Pole Through It (Ab Slide)

It doesn’t get much simpler than this. This device has no air of pretension. To operate it you simply grab both handles and extend out rolling the wheel forward.

These can be snagged at a great deal. I found a few listed on eBay for no more than twenty dollars. However, if eBay, and shopping around at yard sales, yields few results fear not. It is easy to make this device. Chances are one of your neighbors has a kid who keeps leaving his bike in the front yard.  Grab a broom and grab that bike. Break the broom in two and take the shorter piece. Rip the training wheels off the bike and run the shorter in of the broom through the wheel. Your welcome.

Compound Bow (Bow Trainer)

This device is for hunters and professional marksmen. But, if you’re not much of a hunter or marksmen but still want to feel like a real bad ass this is the workout for you.

After you complete one work out you’ll feel just like Daryl from the Walking Dead or… Burt Reynolds in Deliverance.  It’s a simple exercise. Grab a bow, pull back, and repeat until failure. Not much need for further explanation here.

Chuck Norris Total Gym

It was hard to turn on the T.V. in the late 90’s and not see Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley promoting this sweet piece of kit. The Total Gym was positioned as a well … total body work out machine. It also, had the added convenience of being able to stow away in a corner or under the bed.

If this machine is good enough for Chuck Norris it is good enough for any soft bodied dad. I will spare you the Chuck Norris jokes. The results speak for themselves: improved strength, weigh loss, flexibility and powerful finishing kicks.

The Shake Weight

This one is hard to talk about. On one hand the device provides one of the best forearm work outs out there. On the other hand there has never been a more suggestive piece of exercise equipment ever invented.

A candid recommendation for using the Shake Weight… never do it out in public. This is not a piece of gear you will see used in public park boot camps. I will not attempt to explain how one uses this. If you would like a tutorial you can check out the video below.

Who It’s For

  1. The heavy metal drummer who needs quick twitch arm and hand speed.
  2. Upstart baking ventures where bakers must knead dough by hand.
  3. Dad’s who want to assert their dominance through arm wrestling

Men if you are still trying to decide what to tell your wife to get you for Christmas you can’t go wrong with this list. If your in the market for something a bit more eccentric and novel check out this list of Victorian Era workout machines.

Please comment with any great exercise equipment I may have forgotten. Hard to fit them all here but I know there are many many others.


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