5 Elves Who Couldn’t Cut It

Few employees are A-level talent, some are a solid C, others grade well past F and have no business working in any business. It’s an old but true adage that good talent is just so dang hard to come by. The challenge is no different in recruiting talent at the end of the world, where it’s colder that a witches titty and good elves are hard to come by. Some bad apples are bound to slip through the cracks.

Yes even old Santa is prone to making a bad hire from time to time. He’s not to blame. It’s no small feat staffing a workshop capable of meeting the world’s toy demand. Running such a large and complex operation, one can’t afford to be overly picky.

But recognizing and dealing with incompetence isn’t being picky at all. Santa realized long ago that there are some types to stay away from. And if being picky helps the jolly old man run a tight operation, then who are we to judge. That said, here are a few bad elves that typify those who need not apply.

Artie the arthritic

I’m not saying that an impediment precludes an elf from employment consideration. Santa’s workshop has always been known as an equal opportunity employer. But when ailments are used as a ruse to mask other destructive behaviors then an elf is sure to find themselves on the naughty list.

For Artie it was his arthritis, it was always acting up. Artie use the arthritis as an excuse to self-medicate with fifths of scotch whiskey. This behavior brought the severity of his condition into question. After an all morning bender most early afternoons Artie could be found snoring under his desk. For the remaining hours, those where he’d actually be at his bench, the last hour of the workday, he’d complain about the burning in his hands.  What good is an elf who can’t  and won’t work a hammer or fit his wee mitts into a tight hole? None.


Cutter gained employment via a work-release program. Relations with other elven coworkers were uneasy at best and at worst downright violent. Cutter always had a complex that his co-workers were judging him. This feeling only aggravated a hair-trigger temper. Many co-workers reported being cornered by Cutter and challenged to “meet him outside” if they have a “problem with him.” Relations reached a tipping point when Cutter stabbed the foreman with a broken candy cane after he asked him why he arrived to work 3 hours.

Kiki The Klepto

Kiki had a nasty habit of putting her hands on things that weren’t hers. Hiring Kiki reflected badly on HR, one review of her resume would have revealed that she hadn’t held gainful employment for longer than a week.  Most of those employment stints consisted of short runs at various Waffle and Huddle Houses. When Rudolph’s leather jacket went missing it was dismissed as an isolated incident. But after the skis to the sleigh disappeared and Santa couldn’t find his boots the loss prevention department decided to investigate. In a raid of the elf sleeping quarters, they found a stack of cash, a sandwich baggie full of weed, and of course Santa’s boots—all in Kiki’s footlocker. That was the end.

Teensy The Toucher

It’s one of the first rules parents teach their kids. The way to play nice with others is don’t touch and keep your hands to yourself. Teensie never learned this. It started with the inappropriate comments and quickly advanced to debaucherous Snaps. His behavior only received serious attention after Prancer reported him to HR. Teensy thought it acceptable behavior to grab Prancer by the horns and scream at the top of his lungs, “Look who’s horny.”  A memo was issued to employees stating that Teensy was moving on to a new opportunity. He got Matt Lauered.


Chen worked in a Foxconn factory. The long hours were never a problem for him. In the Foxconn factory, he worked for days on end without sleep and a thimble of water. What got to him was the incessant cheer. Chen wasn’t fond of carols and hated the smell of anything resembling holiday spice. In Santa’s workshop, both are as common as snow in winter. Eventually, Chen snapped. The small trash fire he started in the men’s room got out of hand. Within minutes the whole workshop went up in flames, but not before all workers were evacuated. No one knows what happened to Chen, he vanished in the fire. It’s rumored he disappeared into the Arctic wilderness, a place more his speed.

Also published on Medium.


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