Let’s get real, not every Christmas moment is magical. If you’ve seen Christmas Vacation then you already know this. There are the classic scenes of the cat burning the tree, Cousin Eddie dumping toxic refuse in the sewer drain, the deflating turkey, and the kibble in jello.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the season lacks a reason for celebration, God knows it does (pun intended).
It’s just that for all the joy I’m brimming with there is for sure an equal amount of stress. Will my kids grasp the true meaning of Christmas, will we be able to shield them from becoming hyper-consumers, are we bad parents for shopping second hand. I don’t know but for every magical moment, there’s an equal number of less than magical ones. That said, I’ve made a list to capture 10 of them.
Less Than Magical Moment 1
When you finally get the Christmas tree to an unassisted stand after 3 false starts, a bruised forehead, and a mild concussion. On the bright side, you’ll be missing making forced small talked at 20 Christmas parties on the calendar and you’ll burn through your FSA money before the December 31st deadline.
Less Than Magical Moment 2
When your sneaky child catches you eating the cookies he left for Santa. Time to reverse the locks on the door again.
Less Than Magical Moment 3
When after 3 hours of risking your life on a 12-foot ladder, and multiple staple wounds to the hands, you get all the lights on the house. Giddy like a little child you prance to plug them into the outlet and when you do…nothing—even though you checked before hanging.
Less Than Magical Moment 4
When, due to your desire to preserve the meaning of Christmas, you neglect to educate your child about the jolly old gift-giver and your son mistakes Santa for the Christmas man.
Less Than Magical Moment 5
When you step in a congealed mess of glass, miniature drumsticks and cotton in the middle of your living room floor. Complements of the dog mistaking the little drummer boy ornament for a rawhide chewable. What’s another stain anyways?
Less Than Magical Moment 6
When your coworkers compliment you on your taste in tacky Christmas sweaters but you’re just wearing your favorite chunky cardigan. Tis’ the season for cable knits.
Less Than Magical Moment 7
When you decide to fry a turkey for Christmas dinner without watching any of the hundreds of instructional videos on Youtube. I guess it’s not really a loss as we never used the garage or the back porch for much anyways. I’m just hoping my body hair grows back.
Less Than Magical Moment 8
When you have one too many Christmas Eve egg-nogs and at 11:30 pm your wife informs you-you’ll need to stay up to build the children’s 5000 piece play kitchen. May as well try to spin hay into gold while you’re at it.
Less Than Magical Moment 9
When you can’t stop crying through the Hallmark Christmas movies your wife plays on repeat. It’s not seasonal depression it just the good folks at Hallmark knowing how to tug at your sappy old heart strings.
Less Than Magical Moment 10
When your wife asks you to help with some wrapping. She’s in a bind when she asks me this. She knows I’ve never wrapped a gift that didn’t look like it was mangled by a pack of wild dogs.
I would love to hear about your less than magical Christmas moments. Feel free to share them in the comments section below ho ho.
Also published on Medium.