Simple is supreme when it comes to naming children. But the sad reality is we live in a society that craves hyper-individualism. Parents engineer all sorts of abominations to make their child stand out resulting in atrocities like Cherry-Blues and Rock-Sixxs. Little thought is given beyond ensuring the child’s name showboats on classroom roll calls and sporting rosters.
For all the parent’s well-intending efforts, children are left to suffer from bad brands that mar them for years on end. Parents should learn to stick with the classics— standards in adolescent naming that have endured centuries.
Now I’m not saying all classic names are equal. On one hand, if you are looking to establish your child as an iron willed leader then stay away from a name like Kingsley. Kingsley conjures images of a hypochondriacal, precocious aristocrat, spoiled and frail and lacking edge, a tea sipper and crumpet muncher. Stonewall would serve them better. On the other hand, a name like Bellatrix (a combination of Bella and Trixie) dooms the child to practicing witchcraft or taking her or it’s clothes off for money.
These names in mind, a name like Jennifer or John doesn’t look so bad. They may not receive top marks in the baby naming books but they’ve worked well for many many years and you’re less likely to run the risk of rearing a brat.
I lack the data, but a hunch tells me that if you surveyed 10 teachers 9 would say that their most difficult children have names like Blakely or Blaze. These names should never happen.
But I get it, it’s hard for eager parents to find names to match the monster they want to create. It’s hard to balance between ludicrous and legendary naming.
So, if you must go for the outlandish because let’s face it, your child is a gift from the gods, then this two-part series will give you a list of names to work with. The first part of the series provides men’s names. The second? You guessed it, women’s names. Now, I don’t like labels so all names are safe for unisex use.
All provided names are rooted in history, they will get your child attention or at the very least respect. Whether other parents are consciously familiar with the names or not doesn’t dull their dual draw of power and mystery. Subconsciously, in the blood, they will know the names mean something.
These names are not made up, they don’t make you look like your trying too hard. You will have history as your advocate. Enjoy!
Xerxes was a Persian conqueror. Not only is it powerful because of the mans renowned but it’s one of a handful of names beginning with “X.”
Warning – Naming your child after this despot is sure to bring to mind the fashion-forward Xerxes from the 300 movies. You’ll likely spend time reminding people that you weren’t thinking of that Xerxes but rather the more dashing one from history.
This ones from Greek mythology. There wasn’t one Titan but rather many with specific names. But just going with one misses the mark, you want to capture the essence of all. That’s, why you should just go with Titan, it pretty much covers all mythological badassery.
This name is rooted in Bible history. Goliath was a giant of a man standing 12 feet tall with a voice that bellowed like a freight train or a herd of camels given the time period.
Not much explanation need be provided here. Naming your child after one of the fiercest predators to take the skies gives a reputation that will proceed him. This is a name that is sure to spark conversation and instill fear.
Thor is a name you should recognize given the popularity of the Avenger films. He was the Norse God of lightning and was revered and feared by all his subjects. If you want dibs on it, be swift because it’s only a matter of time until classrooms fill with little Thors, both boys and girls depending on the political correctness of where you live.
You can differentiate by going Greek with Zeus or Roman with Jupiter but be careful. In certain regions of the world, Zeus is a popular dog’s name and going this route may draw your child’s resentment and lead many to question your mental state at his birth.
Crom is a grim and gloomy and unforgiving god, ever watching from atop his mountain in dark clouds and obscuring mists, ready to pass a disapproving judgment on any and all. He is also said to value courage and tenacity in mortals, even if the human ultimately proves too frail to succeed.
Wow! That’s some tough love coming from the house of Crom. Who is Crom?
Crom was the deity worshipped by Conan the Barbarian, the title character from the same name pulp fiction novels of the 30s. There are some good qualities in the description to live by but this guy is pretty much icy cold.
The long of it —Crom valued bravery and courage and naming your child after him is likely to invoke a bit of both. Even if your child proves too frail to succeed.
Honestly, there aren’t many great names, male or female that begin with “Z” but of the few this one takes the cake.
Zartan was the leader of the Marauders in the G.I. Joe animated series, he was wiley employing many disguises. Given his shape-shifting tendencies, the name implies adaptability, resilience and spontaneity qualities associated with success in the white-collar labor market.
I hope you found this list of names helpful in your hunt for the perfect baby name. Stay tuned for more.
Also published on Medium.